Transformers
9/17/13

Only one 40 oz of Mickeys this time, about to start on the vodka and it's a monday.

Is this really how the military would respond to such a situation?  I'd like to think they're smarter than this but I have to remind myself that they work for the government. 
"Have your crew step out or we...will kill you."
I think that explains Michael Bay dialogue in a nutshell.  Then there are some explosions.  And then more explosions after that.  Wow, massive CGI explosions and tons of people the audience doesn't know or care about dying, then shitty looking robots blowing more stuff up.
Then Shia LeBeouf.  Yeah, if this isn't a big middle finger to the audience I don't know what is.  Also, I'm usually against drugging kids to keep them in line but the lack of such is the only explanation of Shia.  Either that or a shitload of cocaine.  Like Scarface levels of blow.  Oh how I long for the subtle nuances of Al Pacino's performance there.
Wow, everyone's interactions with everyone else is annoying.  Maybe that explains the non-explosive, tiny and very insignificant remainder of Michael Bay movies.
Did Spielberg really executive produce this pile of flaming dog shit?  This makes his War of the Worlds seem well paced and well acted and containing excellent CGI that serves the story and not the other way around.
I need more vodka.  I also need to wake up at 8 a.m.
But Shia LeBeouf, whose name I don't care if I get right or not; I'm not fucking looking him up on wikipedia at the moment.
 Is Megan Fox really that attractive?  I suppose I feel that a good actress or a really funny female comedian is so much hotter than a boring plank of wood, though Kristen Stewart makes Fox look like
a young Diane Keaton by comparison.
Alright, I just broke into the plastic handle of Skol vodka.  This movie is just that overwhelmingly unbearable.  Hopefully soon it will all make sense and won't seem like such a pile of shit.  I would say dank shit but then I suddenly long for some good weed.  Maybe that would improve the movie.  Doesn't matter, I don't have any.
Watching Megan Fox acting like a mechanic, wearing hardly anything, does nothing more me.  I'd rather see a more realistic woman behaving like an actual human in a realistic situation than a supermodel pretending to act, being used as eye candy for a paycheck.  Maybe it's a good thing I've never been to a strip club.  Though I dunno, maybe C-Section scars do it for me.
Oh yes, and the computer expert has to be an insanely attractive, incredibly young woman.  And then men are all comic relief or hyper-masculine steroid monkeys.  Did I mention I hate Michael Bay?
These robots are all overly complicated and involved so many man hours to achieve a look so goddamn stupid that I suddenly feel sick to my stomach.  It's like watching the credits for Iron Man 3 and then seeing all the computer programmers and artists, which is like a solid wall of names for about 45 seconds of scrolling.  I would, however, give my left foot to be watching that instead, however stupid and over-the-top the ending was.
Angelina Jolie's dad (I'm not spending the time to look him up cause I know they've got different surnames) is totally phoning it in.  It's strange 'cause Shia is totally overdoing everything and so are his "parents".  So much so that I would love to murder them.  Like a lot.  Like way too much.
Did anyone really like this film?  I mean, even if you thought the performances were fine and the CGI was applicable, wouldn't it still, STILL, annoy the shit out of you?  It seems like, even if everyone had been done well, the script wanted every single character to act like using a cheese grater against your brain was a good idea.  The movie wouldn't hurt so bad if it had a budget of 20 million.  Same with shitty (see: all since 1997) films by Adam Sandler.  Jack and Jill "cost" $79 million to make.  Transformers cost $150 million.  Dredd cost $45 million, Looper cost $30 million, Shawn of the Dead cost $6 million, Hot Fuzz cost $12 million, The World's End cost $20 million.
Do you see a correlation between cost and popular acclaim?  Also, going back to italicize everything is hard while drunk.  Also Sandler is embezzling* money for himself and his friends and it's totally a scam**
*Not verified, totally my opinion, not insinuating anything***
**Technically not a "scam"
***I really want to though

Fuck this movie blows.  On a side note I'm no feminist, though I am for equality among the sexes (all two of them), and this movie is stupid.  All two women in this film are model-attractive and unconvincing in their roles, while all the young men are supposed to be funny and are subjectively unattractive.  The attractive men, all in the army, are given hardly any screentime but are certainly there only for the whole "women want them, men want to be them" approach of Austin Powers.
I would do anything for some strong, realistic women or some realistic, non-spastic men.
Of course, changing this movie for the better would mean changing EVERYTHING.  Literally.  That's how bad it is. 
I was thinking about how to make it worse and it came to me.  Replace Fox with Kristen Stewart and add in a bumbling (somehow more-so) sidekick in the form of Hayden Christensen.  Yeah, that would literally be the worst thing ever and it probably will happen at some point in the future.  Suicidal yet?  Thought so.
It's weird.  I don't know if I prefer Fox's totally BLEH performance or Stewart's so-bad-of-a-performance-it's-really-funny-cause-watching-wood-dry-is-funny.  If you like The Room then you probably like Stewart.
WOW, 55 minutes in and now we're properly introduced to the robots.  And yeah, it is stupid.
I just looked at the wiki for Transformers and nearly threw up in my mouth.  It got positive reviews.  And yet The Life Aquatic got negative reviews.  This is not a world I want to live in.
More vodka.  I'm pushing it, as it's nearly 2am.
And then more robots crash into earth in totaly view of everyone only to somehow secretly slink away, because everyone on earth is an idiot.  Yes.  Clearly.
I didn't think the explanation of the autobots, delivered by Megatron or whomever the fuck, is one of the stupidest scenes I've ever been subject to.  Or had forced upon.  Yeah, just keep pounding the exposition the hell against my less than receptive brain.  Fuck you.
The forthcoming explanation of the basic plot is so stupid that I have a hard time spelling it out here.  Shia's grandfather was in the Arctic for no reason and then was underground in Superman's Fortress of Solitude for no reason, and the Decepticons were there for no reason, and blasted the old man with some invisible beam for no reason, though they were frozen.  Then he died somehow, but also some info was encoded on his glasses for no reason, and no one gave a shit for like 100 years for no reason, and now the transformers are here for the glasses now for no reason, or ebay or some shit, and so if they get the glasses everything's chill.  Though I think the Decepticons already have the glasses but that's okay as long as the good robots can get the glasses within the end of the screenplay for some reason.  That's what I got.
Then there's some shit about masturbation, which is supposed to be hilarious.  It is not.  It is tedious.  Extremely tedious.  I need more vodka.
Am I literally only half of the way through the movie?  Goddamn son of a bitch.  I have half a mind to keep it running while going out for one last cigarette before blessed sleep.
This movie is so fucking long.  I have to remember from now on to call it a "movie" and not a "film", because it is definitely not the latter, which should be reserved for anything that might be considered art.
This is terrible.  Everything is irritating.  Shia's parents are so annoying but that still doesn't explain his chronic coke habit.  Nevermind, it totally does, but doesn't excuse it.
NOPE, I don't think so.  That's it, that's all I can bear.  This movie is terrible and the last little bit can't make up for that.  Fuck it.